When I was driving back home from work last night, I came to realize the voices in my head become increasingly amplified when I’m alone – alone in the car, alone in my work station, alone at home. I usually have my radio blaring loud music to veer my thoughts away from the slow burn of impatience rising within me as I beast my way through the rush hour traffic, but not last night. I drove in the silent confines of my car with my thoughts loudly racing through my mind and eventually, with my emotions pouring quietly out of me. There was a piercing sense of sadness that flooded through me as I battled with the thought of not acquiring that which I so desired. I reached a point where I couldn’t handle the trapped negative thoughts welling up in my head so I shot arrows of questions to God only to be careened into His complete sovereignty over my life. All my wailing why’s came back to me with reminders of how God is in control and has my best interest at heart, and that my circumstances won’t and will never change who He is. That reminder caused me to cry even more because at that moment, I was finding a difficult time accepting it.
As I continued driving, I realized that as a Christian, I sometimes still struggle with intense feelings of discontentment – feelings that are often triggered by what I feed my mind with and dwell on, especially when I’m coveting that which others have that I don’t. I tend to disregard the job that has been paying my bills for more than seven years, the comfortable place that keeps me sheltered, the car that I drive, the food that I eat, the clothes and shoes that I wear, the family and friends who warm my heart, and the fact that I was given another life to live. These are blessings worth acknowledging and am really thankful to God for, but while they are wonderful, they are a mere shadow of what I have in Christ. The problem is I’ve become so self-sufficient and left a foothold for sins of discontentment to creep into my heart and inject lies into my head.
As soon as I reached the parking lot, I was overcome by a massive wave of what I can only describe as relief. It was comforting to be reminded that while He gives good and perfect gifts, my ultimate joy and satisfaction can only be found in Jesus Christ. Nothing more. Nothing less. Nothing else.
As I crashed into the comfort of my bed, I also came to realize that it is the time of the month.
Hence, the emotions.